Wednesday, January 28, 2009
FINAL CRISIS # 7 - FIRST REVIEW / RECAP
Written by Grant Morrison
Art by Doug Mahnke
DCU Rape by Dan Didio
Boy, are you fucks going to be pissed.
Superficially - no answers, more questions, more confusion.
First off so people read this. It's important.
Didio. It's called THE BLACKEST NIGHT, not BLACKEST NIGHT. Sounds more epic that way. People have been calling it The Blackest Night for months now, it's in the last fucking page of Sinestro Corps War, it's been called The Blackest Night on message boards everywhere, on wikipedia, stop being a fuck - call it 'The Blackest Night'. And it's a Green Lantern story, why do I want to see stories from non Green Lantern heroes in the main series. Fuck you are such a corporate cunt. You figure that you fucked up with Amazons Attack and that Sinestro Corps War was successful that you want to ride off the hype from it by milking it and changing it. Sinestro Corps War was successful and the hype for THE BLACKEST NIGHT is huge, so why not just do the same thing and let it be? Don't you realize that story is the reason it was successful? Why not let Geoff Johns do his thing, write a good story and even if you market it as a DC event, just let him do his thing. Because like a corporate cunt you want to milk it in the biggest possible way. This is why Marvel always beats you in everything. Fuck you.
Anyway, to Final Crisis # 7. What the fuck? You know, I didn't hate it. However I am completely confused and I wasn't one of those "I don't know what the fucks going on" dudes, but now I am. This issue isn't a mindfuck where you had to think like Superman Beyond was, this is more like "what the fuck?". There is no explanation on anything.
Seriously this is going to piss alot of people off, a few will drop DC Comics because of this issue and again many will call for Didio's head. But it will all be for the superficial things. Like the fact Darkseid ended up doing just about nothing in this series, that he really was not shown as the big ultra evil we were expecting, some people would say "but he controlled everybody and broke reality" but the scope wasn't there. He came and he went.
That sketchbook we all bought is fucking useless because just about none of the shit in there shows up. So all that lead time JG spent that some some apologists are using for the fact he was a slow penciller - is stupid because it was a waste of time.
And the multiverse itself is not really resolved, the future isn't set for the DCU or DCM.
This issue screams editorial incompetence. It should never have been called Crisis to begin with. This should of been something that Grant Morrison could do over time with a single artist. Maybe a graphic novel? Maybe DC didn't like his original plan and made him rewrite it.
The fucking epic "Heroes Die. Legends Live Forever" tagline makes absolutely no sense. Unless it means that Heroes always win, but either way, it's a letdown. I expected something that would set my balls on fire it would be that awesome. I really, really wish that original theory that the DCU was going to die and the main heroes were going to die and become New Gods from Earth 1 and the sidekicks would ascend to main hero status, whilst these New God heroes would live out of continuity. Nothing like that.
Final Crisis is just an exercise in Masturbation, Masturbating ideas, any ideas. That will have no effect on the DCU line, will be swept under the rug as if it never happened. It's not even going to be like people say, that Geoff Johns will have to come in and clean the mess. He doesn't have to. There are no changes, it won't make a difference. Everyone at DC and everyone who reads it will just forget about it, as if nothing happened and move on. Now I'm starting to think I just really didn't like this series, that it was a waste of money. All this talk of setting up the DC Universe for the next few years? Bullshit. No fucking difference.
Fucking hell, I was so excited for this, I imagined one of the most epic things ever. It's not as disappointing as Episode 1, but still disappointing. The fact that it won't make any difference within the DCU should of been enough to let DC do what Grant Morrison originally intended and just call it an Elseworlds book or something. They would of been better off releasing something good which means nothing than something shit that doesn't make any difference. Thinking like this is what makes Marvel take 50% of the retail market. Yes, they're smarter than you DC.
The art itself is mediocre. How? You say. If you remember my Superman Beyond #2 review, you'd note that I said Doug Mahnke is going to be a superstar, and I still believe that. His art in that issue was incredible. But here, rush job. Not his fault. But fuck you can see the difference, you can see he was put under pressure because the heads at DC don't know what the fuck is up, or that rumor about Didio fucking everything up cos of pussy is true. Whatever, it isn't the prettiest art. The detail isn't there. Some panels are pretty good, some are pretty bad, not Infinite Crisis #7 bad, but somewhere in that ballpark. And jamming so much into one comic, not allowing the story to flow. Stupid fucking idea. I guess I was right a year ago. Seven issues is too short. So to all those who said it will be enough, fuck you. You were wrong.
Ohh and the storytelling after reading it again - either I just don't get it, or it's bad storytelling. I think it's the latter. Sorry Mahnke.
Honestly, thank God it's over. Or thank Darkseid it's over.
Now here's a semi detailed Recap of the Issue - Plus a final page which will make you go...what?
Recap - MASSIVE SPOILER AT END WITH PICTURES.
Look at the previews on Newsamara for the first pages.
A black Superman who is president, obviously an allusion to Barack Obama meets Wonder Woman who has a Wonder Horn to be used at the end of everything. The horn opens up a hole which has The Question, Captain Marvel and Supermen of the multiverse in it, they're here to pick up the Superman of this Earth.
On the Watchtower (which reading again now seems to be fused with the Fortess of Solitude), someone narrates and talks about the crumbling world and how the Metal Men of Earth 44 went berzerk in their magnetic field, causing them to commit technocide. And that they wrecked the trophy room and mementoes were lost forever. The person narrating is Lois Lane and she says that they what remained into a rocket. Including the last edition of the Daily Planet with the story of Supoerheroes, the story of the people they loved. The story of the death of Batman and how a man had fatally wounded the God of Evil. And that someone, somewhere will read the story of the Final Crisis.
Some heroes on the watchtower fight the Metal Men of Earth 44. Until Luthor and Sivanna arrive with a weapon and disable them. The rocket is sent out of the watchtower with mementoes like the bat signal and Superman's cape.
Next page, Superman - holding Batman's body. "Darkseid." Darkseid says that Supes turned his back and he wrecked his world. That all his friends, enemies and lovers are him. One life that is Darkseid. In a freaky close up of Darkseid, he sayd "will you be the enemy of all existence then? What Irony that will be, son of Krypton. HAHAHAHAHA!"
Superman grabs Darkseid by the throat. Darkseid prod Superman to kill him, to kill a foe made of people. Supes recognizes his DNA in horror, and that of all the people he could of chosen like Batman, he chose Turpin. Darkseid says he would have resisted longer than he wanted. Darkseid orders the humans he controls to kill Superman who swarm him. Darkseid says that if Supes kills him, he kills everything.
Darkseid grabs the soul killing gun and says it is over. And if he is ready to join Batman. If he can outrace the Omega Sanction. Supes, being the eternal hero says that maybe he won't have to, he didn't get all of them "It's not over yet".
Then The humans look back and the Flashes comes out of nowhere, running as fast as they can, Black Racer on their tail.
Darkseid is aiming to kill. But the Flashes are racing towards him, for some reason Omega Beams chasing them(I don't remember this). The Flashes go into superluminal velocity. The bullet fires past Superman(not made clear, is behind him but he's alive rest of issue), Supes sees Barry. Darkseid sees the Black Racer in shock "no. not you." The flashes race through Darkseid, the Omega Beams hitting Darkseid. The Black Racer saying in cool large Black speech balloons "I come to all! Even You!"
Next Panel, Aquaman fighting the deep six. One third of the page sized panel. Apparently he was prophesied to return in his people's greatest need. That's it. No explanation. Just a small dodgy panel of him and the deep six, which you could not even tell since only two of them are shown. HAHAHA. All those people looking forward to it. Sorry.
The people Darkseid controlled are knocked out. Darkseid is on his knees vomiting blood. For some reason Lois narrates "This is the story of the last superheroes." "And the machine they made to save the world.
Next panel is Superman and Supergirl designing something in the watchtower. People talk and say it's an omni computer. Something that can calculate the life equation. A sort of cell phone to the gods. I think this scene jumps straight into a future time, and the rest of the final crisis is seen as a flashback.
Wonder Girl says that Superman found a way to think and bottle the whole universe for protection. A bunch of people work on this 'weapon' including Luthor and Sivanna who speculate it can rewrite the laws of physics.
Next page, Checkmate unleash the omacs who fight the Justifiers. Most likely flashback and the rest too.
Both Atoms are in the bleed(I think) Ryan says that the beacons in place but the tunnel between universes can't take these stresses.
The Black Gambit is failing as Lord Eye starts shutting down, Justifers are in Checkmate killing everyone.
In the JLA watchtower above space(now not broken? space is normal around them, or is a different watchtower) A barely conscious Black Canary floating, tells Ollie she thinks they did it. That Ray made it. As from the Watchtower she sees the circuit of Metron on the planet.(this was badly drawn, i didn't see it till now).
At checkmate the japanese heroes hold back the Justifiers next to a stargate(into the next universe). Someone screams the tunnel's collapsing and everybody out. Though it isn't made clear that they are going into it, or need to go out of it.
The JLA Watchtower starts falling to earth? I think.
Then cuts to a panel that is in the future of Supergirl telling Children a story of two whole universes shearing apart, But for some reason part of her gold lines are red so I thought it was that Nazi supergirl. It's just a mistake but it had me confused.
The Japanese heroes try and say their feeling as Lord Eye breaks down and reality shatters(in a really shitty style, just looks like the room is catching on fire). Hawkman says people will die if he doesn't stop Brother Eye. Everything is confusing. Then BOOM.
Next page. What still seems like a flashback is Renee Montoya saying that when Earth zero(formerly New Earth) fell into the abyss, mister miracles motherboxx secured a boom tube for everyone to escape to another universe. Panel below it, Kamandi standing in ruins of New York, people in front of him. For some reason there are solo bubbles(not connecting to anything) in this panel that says "looks like you missed a hell of a party sonny sumo" I don't know who is saying that, if the japanese heroes are in this Kamandi earth now? confusing.
Next panel has the Superman in the vessel talking with Renee, specifically Overman - all who are going back to Earth Zero. Next panel has Overman holding his cousin's body in a ruined earth(flashback? or a future scene?)
Next page, back to Darkseid and Supes. Superman tells Darkseid that john Stewart found the bullet he fired and Batman used it, so it was suicide. The furies come out the side, ready to attack Superman. Behind Superman, the armies of Libra comes out. Headed by Luthor and Sivanna. Superman is surrounded. Luthor says that the odds are against him and he's in charge of an army of mind controlled supervillains(captain cold, human flame are there). This is the last Panel of Darkseid in a body,he's just in front of Superman. That's it. He doesn't even wear the Omega suit! He's still in jeans! Seriously, how hard do you think Marvel will be laughing? "Their biggest villain, shows up, controls everyone, loses control of everyone, and disappears wearing jeans".
next panel, cut to Supergirl and Wonder Woman continuing the 'story' of what Superman did. Wonder Woman tells of how she was first introduced to Frankenstein.
Next panel. a flashback i guess. Frankenstein and his big dog grab wonder woman and he chops off a hunger dog's head. Supergirl knocks down giganta. Lois explains that moticoccus, the god bacterium was designed to strip earth's heroes of their powers(thank you countdown for fucking this up harder) but it had no effect on a living dead man and the villains had been innoculated. The villains take on the furies(very small panel) Then luthor tells Supes that this is the first historic team up of the forces of "good" and the forces of "bad" and he'll take credit for the win. Superman says "whatever you say Lex".
Next panel flashforward - is Superman, Wonder Woman and Supergirl in some room using a machine that is shooting a beam to a sort of container with people. Supergirl says it all feels so long ago and asks what happened to Luthor. Wonder Woman says that what used to be time is slowing to a stop. So I assume they're trying to do something before the end. Basically saying Luthor isn't important. Then next panel is Wonder Woman looking over small trays and says "the last survivors preserved on trays in a freezer". Supergirl says that everything feels broken and there has to be a way to fix it and the first thing she's going to do is find the guys who went to defend the east wall.
Cut to a panel of Frankenstein, Liberty belle, Supergirl, that spanish dude in a mech suit, powergirl and someone i don't recognize charging at Justifiers.
Next panel - flashforward(yes, it's fucking confusing until i got it's told as a story but that only happened somewhat into the comic). Superman holds Lois telling her that he'll restore her when it's all over. brainiac 5 allowed him to look at the miracle machine for a few seconds and he tried to memorize every nut, bolt and circuit.
Then the next panel is fuzzed as if a TV connection was cut, Lois says he'll get a big kiss when she's back from the fridge. There is no explanation of the shrinking miracle machine shit. It's just told to you that they do it, but never explain it, never show what they end up doing with the shrinking. Just show the aftermath and accept it. Fuck.
Next page, flashback, I think but this is the most confusing part. It has Wonder woman looking at her Fury(is that the singular term?) mask like in the previous issue where some people debated whether she was questioning what she was doing. Well same thing again but without explanation, she's normal, looking at the mask, no crazy eyes or wrinkles. She crushes it. Then next Panel she's just above the infected humans unleashing her lassoo, with red lightning around. Lois says It was Wonder Woman who bound Darkseid's body. With her lasso of truth, she chained the god of evil. And no one was Hurt. In the panel the infected people look as if they're choking, obviously waking up from the anti life. But this is one fucking panel. Terrible. really fucking confusing.
Next, flash forward - Superman uses heat vision to complete the miracle machine. One Chance, one wish. Next page. That crazy colors around Darkseid and from Seven Soldiers, happens to be Gods. In this case it's Darkseid who is like a corporeal being with a face. Darkseid says the walls are coming down around him, it's over. Superman says he's right and he's in the final stages of Radion poisoning. His composite body unable to move let alone act. There is no body here, just those colours with a face, kind of Darth Vaderish on Acid.
Next Panel Darkseid's corporeal form eyes, hover in front of Superman and the miracle machine, there's sort of spotty black blood around the eyes, from the top of the panel to the bottom. Darkseid says that he's "constructed a cargo cult motherbox capable of a single operation. How could he ask for a better gift to destroy you with?" Superman says that the multiverse vibrates together. And it makes a sound like an orchestra. Everything's vibrations. And Counter vibrations cancel them out. Next panel Superman screams or sings music. The Corporal Darkseid break in front of him like glass.
Next panel, the Watchtower exploding. Superman says Darkseid always hated music.
Next page. Superman is in cave like dark place as if hundreds of miles below the earth. He seems to be the only one in the multiverse. He walks towards Metron's chair. He is losing his voice. He sense a heartbeat coming from Metron's chair. He pulls it out from the symbol on his chair and it's Element X. "Fire of the gods. it can take any shape and become the last part of the jigsaw". Superman tells himself he needs to let his vocal cords heal to prepare for cosmic midnight. HE looks as if he's putting the element X into a torch. Then next panel things seem to be breaking above him. I can't tell, either it's the design of the cave, rocks are falling or spirits are forming.(yeah confusing)
Next panel Supes look to the side to hear Mandrakk. Mandrakk says his father failed to save his world and now it's his turn. Mandrakk appears before Supes with Ultraman carrying Supergirl(where the fuck did this come from?). Mandrakk says that the dying god left the universe wounded, broken, defenseless and alone where Mandrakk dwells. At the end of all stories. Mandrakk tells supes to come closer, he wants to eat him raw. blood coming out of his mouth. Wow, I would love to know the thoughts of all those who didn't buy Superman Beyond and don't know who the fuck this Giger Monitor is that comes out of nowhere, hahaha. Grant Morrions saying this is a story for everyone hahaha.
Next panel. Mandrakk drops the spectre and some chick in robes saying he fed on these servants of god, defenders of the universe.
Superman stands indifferent as Mandrakk stands behind him(shows what a heroic badass Supes is, not afraid of anything if he has to do something to save people). Mandrakk says that there is no light, no way to spark his weapon. And that he should die screaming in the arms of his master. Supes says he's had better offers and that he's a solar battery. He'll use it all if he has to, to activate the miracle machine. It powers up.
Next panel. The Green Lanterns see these giant bug like things. Their rings exhausted. Hal says that whatever they are, they are the way in and starts reciting the Oath "In brightest Day" etc.
next panel, the miracle machine is activated. Mandrakk asks what has he done. Supes says he relied on Captain Marvel of Earth 5 to come through. "Look up in the sky".
Next - double page splash of a whole lot of Supermen from the multiverse. Ultraman wants at them, but they all use heat vision on him. Same panel Nix Uotan says that thanks to Metron's intervention, he was free to act as a multiversal monitor.
Next panel. Nix Uotan says he arrived just in time for the last stand of these incredible creatures(superheroes). Nix says that his signal has been received and understood. and that it is between monitors now. The miracle machine was used as a communications device, I assume to call out for help of some kind.
Nix says that Superman stands at his right side and some exiled earth 35 animals he overlooked. A pig, a rabbit and a poodle which he seems to be transforming. Why this is here, I have no fucking idea.
Next panel, Nix Stands in front of Mandrakk with the Superman, the animals, one of which is captain carrot and two other characters I don't know. and "the vengeful angels of the pax dei descend, the army of god!" who the fuck are these cunts? just random characters show up without explanation. Apparently the assemebled Supermen team is so incredible it can only be assembled once against the ultimate enemy. Then he says "Do you hear me? "Let all who worship evil's might..."
then next panel "BEWARE MY POWER! GREEN LANTERNS; LIGHT!" The Green Lanterns arrive. Mandrakk says "Nix...Uotan? ...my son?"
So this big assembled group of heroes stand before Mandrakk in about 4 panels...
Mandrakk says how could he be anything else and that with the word Taaru he summons the forever people of the 5th world. The Japanese heroes. But there is no summoning, they are already in this panel. Fuck. Also in this same panel the Supermen are already shooting Mandrakk with Heat vision.
Next panel Ultraman just burns for some reason. andrakk says he saw the book of Limbo and the end was all flames and shadows.
Next Panel Kyle says the rings can't handle it. Guy says they're outta juice. Soranik says they're 24 hours is up. Hal says then that together to give him one last effort. And to Spike this Vampire. Next Panel is a massive Nail/stake going through Mandrakk who is on flames.
Next panel is Nix holding Ultraman's burnt corpse saying the Multiverse has natural defenses none of them could imagine. "no one fucks with the judge of all evil".
next page is Lois narrating again, a Panel shows people helping rebuild, by taking down a Statue of Darkseid and throwing out Justifier helmets. But I don't get this since it doesn't match the Kamandi panel. Lois says that they lived through Ragnarok and fought a God. Survived the bite of a cosmic Parasite. And lost good friends.
Next panel is the Daily Planet staff in Perry's office, Perry reading something. Lois says that the world faces alien invasions, natural disasters in time. And they always recover. Earth always endures. Three small panels. Batman's Mask. A pyramid in Egypt. and Feathers.
Next panel the Watchtower above Earth. Then it pulls back to another panel and it's Earth zero in the Orrery with the Metron circuit over North America. A Monitor says the damage caused to the Orrery by Darkseid's fall is Under repair.
Next page. Nix stands before the Monitors. Nix says that the Germ creatures reestablished the symmetry of the Orrery.
Next panel has a real dodgy Infinite Crisis 7 style panel of The Green Lanterns and the Supermen of the Multiverse carrying an Earth somewhere. The Superman hold Green Lantern chains attached to their backs like a backpack. Nix says he's never witnessed such industry, such intelligence and such passion that drives them.
Next Panel are the flashes in the ruined city holding their loved ones. Nix says passions powerful enough to trigger changes in people like them.
Next panel, Nix advises immediate withdrawel of contact wiht the germ worlds and no further exploitation. A monitor says his concerns are noted and to continue.
Now this is where people are gonna be fucking pissed.
Next Panel has a ruined earth, not sure if it's the survived earth zero that shows people rebuilding or the ruined Kamandi earth. Anyway the ruined city is in the background and Metron floats in fron of a boulder draped with Orion's Astro Harness, beside the boulder a flower sprouting. Nix says that he "now knows why there is a black hole at the base of creation. It's where Darkseid fell through existence to his doom. Leaving Hell Deserted."
Next Panel. The New Gods. Mister Miracle, Highfather, Lightray and Big Barda with their backs towards us in some empty space with the Earth in front of them. The Forever people we saw in the sketchbook uncoloured and really small in front of the New Gods. This same panel has that spotty black blood on it. It has to mean something, I don't know what. That's it for the New Gods.
Next panel. Nix holds a map and says to the Monitors that The New Gods returned to guide the destiny of a New World. And the map he holds he used to reconstruct Earth 51.
Next Panel Kamandi holds Superman's cape, Kalibak's tigers in front of him. Kamandi says he saw the world remade with his own eyes. With pieces of other times, other places. All in a vision he saw in Command-D.
Next panel Nix says Earth 51 lives anew. Repairs were accomplished, time anomalies corrected, coherence and harmony restored(irony ha).
Next page a Monitor says Nix's exile is over and he is invited to rejoin with full honors.
Nix says he will decline such honors as meaningless and there are more important things to attend to.
Nix then walks away(I think) or he's standing with his back towards them. Saying that they almost destroyed the multiverse and it deserves its freedom from their interference. "Make your peace".
Next panel, Weeja Dell stands on a balcony. She says that overvoid draws closer, the hour grows late. Nix says they coudln't make him forget her, she brought him back. She says he sounds different.
Next panel - The panel itself looks as iff something is eating at it, with white behind the panel.Nix says he lived among them and he saw the damage they(monitors) were doing to them and what they'ed have to sacrifice to save them. And he won't forget her. She says "then this really is the last day."
Next panel below it, even smaller, eating away. Nix, holding Weeja Dell says he thinks it is. "The final crisis is ours". She says it was good to have a face and to love and be loved. She asks one last thing, what was superman's wish on the miracle machine.
Next panel even smaller, Nix kisses Weeja on the head and says "He's Superman. He wished only the best for all of us. Close your eyes"
Next panel which is very small, with the page behind white show Nix closing Weeja's eyes and saying "He wished for a happy ending". So what I assume is that Superman's wish for a happy ending, meant there can't be any Monitors.
Page Over, The first panel is Nix with his eyes closed, the Panel larger as if it's reforming.
Panel below it Nix wakes up in shock. The WGBS Radio is on. Saying "with more on those newly discovered parallel worlds and how they could change our lives forveer!"
Panel below it Has Nix woken up in a bed, just like in Final Crisis 1, as if it was all a dream. The radio says "This is one story that's only just the beginning".
"NEW HEAVEN, NEW EARTH"
BEWARE --- BIG MEGA SPOILER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second last page.
Anthro as an old man, sits in the night in front of a fire. In front of him in the near distance, the rocket that was shot out from the Watchtower. The captions say that Old Man has finished refreshing the stories one final time at the holy ground(where Metron first appeared I assume).
The Caption says he thinks of Metron long ago. Holding a stick of fire.
Anthro paints the Metron synbol on a cave wall. The caption says he has made things with his hands that he first glimsped in his heart(either weapons he saw via the future vision?). The caption says he is filled one last time with a brilliant flame and Anthro smiles at something. Next Panel Anthro passes away on a rock.
Next Panel. Hands drop Batman's Utility belt on top of Anthro.
Next Page. BATMAN IS ALIVE. Bruce Wayne is crouching in front of the fire in shadow topless, with the bottom half of his uniform still on. Drawing the Bat Symbol on the cave wall. The Shadow above him forming the Bat costume shape - the cowl.
No Kamandi on last panel. Or Anthro is Kamandi?
No wonder, Didio said he didn't want to call the presses for Batman's fate. He's alive. So I guess his death was just to bring about Battle for the Cowl.
Hmmm. Where's Monarch?
*(For hellblazerraiser - After you finish waxing your vagina. I suggest you inject yourself with aids you fuckspoon cunt. Tell your mother she shouldn't have raised you like such a pussy. Or she should have swallowed you. Fuckwit)